All that crap about feeling strong and positive absolutely flew out the window the last few days. I'm trying, I really am, but sometimes I can feel myself slipping into that void where I'd love nothing more than downing an entire king-sized candy bar and sleeping as much of the day as possible. I try to cook for my kids but not for myself so I'll be forced to eat salad. I really don't want to start baking again. It doesn't help that the weather is frigid and icy, which is exactly how my body feels. I feel cold from the inside out. My period is 16 days late and I'm 16 x more emotional. I sent him a text last night, sarcastically thanking him for his home-and-marriage apathy over the last few years so that he could go stay at party central with his friend's family, with no real household responsibilities and built in company, leaving me alone to take care of everything here.
What's the female version of be emasculated? I suppose it would be effeminated...so it really doesn't sound all that bad, actually. Whatever the correct term for it, he forced me to be the one to take care of everything around here, even if sometimes its just the delegation of which kid does what, and he did it all while leaving me no car and no self esteem. Everybody says I'll feel better once I get a job, but will I? Will I feel better when I have to cry myself to sleep at night because I'm lonely after a day of working at a job that barely pays me anything, leaving me very little time to do anything with my kids or my deteriorating house, only to wake up the next day and get ready for it again, and probably have to beg a ride there from my estranged husband or my mother because I don't have a car? I never thought I would care this much about a stupid car, but I do. I NEED a car. I NEED to be able to go do something when the mood strikes without having to arrange a ride. I feel like a child when I have to beg for rides, and a prisoner in my house when I don't. If he left me and the kids and the pets and the house behind, why does he get my car?
I know I sound awful. I still have a sense of humor, really, but it's a little dormant right now. I don't like that feeling because I ALWAYS have a stupid sense of humor and can make a pun or a joke of anything. When I can't it means I'm depressed, and I don't want that. I know it will get better. I do. But when it doesn't feel like it is or I don't know how it will or when, it's no fun. Strength, courage, and peace. Strength, courage, and peace. String cheese, currants, and peas....
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