All that crap about feeling strong and positive absolutely flew out the window the last few days. I'm trying, I really am, but sometimes I can feel myself slipping into that void where I'd love nothing more than downing an entire king-sized candy bar and sleeping as much of the day as possible. I try to cook for my kids but not for myself so I'll be forced to eat salad. I really don't want to start baking again. It doesn't help that the weather is frigid and icy, which is exactly how my body feels. I feel cold from the inside out. My period is 16 days late and I'm 16 x more emotional. I sent him a text last night, sarcastically thanking him for his home-and-marriage apathy over the last few years so that he could go stay at party central with his friend's family, with no real household responsibilities and built in company, leaving me alone to take care of everything here.
What's the female version of be emasculated? I suppose it would be effeminated...so it really doesn't sound all that bad, actually. Whatever the correct term for it, he forced me to be the one to take care of everything around here, even if sometimes its just the delegation of which kid does what, and he did it all while leaving me no car and no self esteem. Everybody says I'll feel better once I get a job, but will I? Will I feel better when I have to cry myself to sleep at night because I'm lonely after a day of working at a job that barely pays me anything, leaving me very little time to do anything with my kids or my deteriorating house, only to wake up the next day and get ready for it again, and probably have to beg a ride there from my estranged husband or my mother because I don't have a car? I never thought I would care this much about a stupid car, but I do. I NEED a car. I NEED to be able to go do something when the mood strikes without having to arrange a ride. I feel like a child when I have to beg for rides, and a prisoner in my house when I don't. If he left me and the kids and the pets and the house behind, why does he get my car?
I know I sound awful. I still have a sense of humor, really, but it's a little dormant right now. I don't like that feeling because I ALWAYS have a stupid sense of humor and can make a pun or a joke of anything. When I can't it means I'm depressed, and I don't want that. I know it will get better. I do. But when it doesn't feel like it is or I don't know how it will or when, it's no fun. Strength, courage, and peace. Strength, courage, and peace. String cheese, currants, and peas....
Showing posts with label job hunting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label job hunting. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
DAY 6 FINANCIAL WOES
My thoughts and feelings have run the gammut this week, and I'm ok with that. They have to. I'm trying to focus on studying and trying to stay on top of household chores, but I have trouble focusing on the studying. It's hard to study when you can't remember what you're supposed to be studying and why, and I end up reading and looking up terms/abbreviations I've already forgotten most of the time. Then I read job postings for polysomnography technicians and trainees (sleep techs) and my heart is in my throat because they want someone who has done a two-year respiratory course or at least 9 months of experience. I'm caught in that age-old vicious circle: Everyone wants someone with experience, but how do I get experience if no one will hire me? So I'm still waiting on the call from the local hospital and hoping for the best, and next week I'll try to branch out and send my letter and resume to a few more places within a small radius.
I balanced my checkbook yesterday and wrote down all the bills I was going to pay. I honestly, seriously, totally and completely do not understand where my "husband" thinks he will get money for another car and an apartment. I mean, I may have $700 left over after bills today (which is really a LOT compared to normal), but that's not including gas, groceries, various household things like laundry soap and fabric softener, dance class and costume fees, the upcoming car insurance, and yeah, the makeup I need. I know that sounds petty and vain, but dammit, I need eyeliner and foundation and I have sensitive skin and can't just use cheap Cover Girl stuff from Walmart, and I refuse to walk around all splotchy and scarred because I can't afford any. We have one tube of toothpaste for 3 people and the kids both need new toothbrushes (please tell me, WHEN did toothbrushes get so expensive??). The car needs a tune up. We need a new furnace filter. So you see that the extra $700 is easily dwindled down to maybe $200, and that's not including whatever he will decide he thinks he can afford, like eating out and going to the movies, because that's what he always does. So really, if that becomes the norm, he may realistically end up with $400 a month. Unless he's planning to get an apartment and a car in 1972, he's screwed.
I balanced my checkbook yesterday and wrote down all the bills I was going to pay. I honestly, seriously, totally and completely do not understand where my "husband" thinks he will get money for another car and an apartment. I mean, I may have $700 left over after bills today (which is really a LOT compared to normal), but that's not including gas, groceries, various household things like laundry soap and fabric softener, dance class and costume fees, the upcoming car insurance, and yeah, the makeup I need. I know that sounds petty and vain, but dammit, I need eyeliner and foundation and I have sensitive skin and can't just use cheap Cover Girl stuff from Walmart, and I refuse to walk around all splotchy and scarred because I can't afford any. We have one tube of toothpaste for 3 people and the kids both need new toothbrushes (please tell me, WHEN did toothbrushes get so expensive??). The car needs a tune up. We need a new furnace filter. So you see that the extra $700 is easily dwindled down to maybe $200, and that's not including whatever he will decide he thinks he can afford, like eating out and going to the movies, because that's what he always does. So really, if that becomes the norm, he may realistically end up with $400 a month. Unless he's planning to get an apartment and a car in 1972, he's screwed.
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