HUH.

The heavy weight on my chest started early today.  It was the first family get together without him.  I thought at first it would help me to have somewhere to go and someone to be with, but it really just drove home the fact that I'm on my own now. 

So after filling out another online job application, which is so rough because I have to deal with things from my past and dates in the past and typing our last name over and over again, I headed for the bathroom and I ended up just standing there looking in the mirror.  I don't like the baggy-eyed, tired person looking back at me.  She needs sleep.  She needs peace.  She needs to get a grip. 

That being said, the biggest thing I admitted to myself while I looked in that mirror is that I'm at fault too.  I mean, I knew I was, but I have been so wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself over having my husband leave me that I didn't really think about it.  I know I took him for granted and took advantage of him.  I've probably unwittingly taken advantage of his job all these years, dropping mine when money problems even out or because I just want to be home with my kids.  I really should have thought ahead and cultivated a career for myself, but I honestly didn't think we'd ever REALLY break up, or that if we did it would probably be my doing.  I should have been more self reliant, or at least more considerate of the fact that he could always be the one to leave me.  Looking back, I probably started worrying and nagging about our future--his need of life insurance and my need of a separate IRA (never happened) outside of the retirement he always said was for both of us--around the time when things really started going especially sour in our marriage a few years ago.  I would wake up at night thinking about it.  I pushed him to at least get SOME life insurance, and now I see his reluctance was probably because he knew he was going to leave me.  I completely and totally nagged him about his weight and apathy about the things he put into his body.  I nagged him about the amount of time he spent at work.  I think I ignored my intuition more than I should have, and maybe that will help me in the future.  If something doesn't seem right, do something about it from all angles, not just the obvious one. And now I have to figure out what to do about realizing I shouldn't have taken him for granted.  I feel kinda bad about that, but it won't change anything, huh?  Huh.