Sunday, February 20, 2011
NO MORE COUNTING--JUST A BAD DAY
I cried in front of him today. I really didn't want to, but once I started I couldn't stop. Circumstances collided to make me feel like I'm a premature member of the Red Hat Society. I'm hoping my heightened emotion state means there are physical changes afoot, but only time will tell. However, I'm feeling regional isolation, cut off from people I really want to talk with, like I will never meet someone worthwhile ever again (here), like it's a cruel joke that I was able to feel the easy comfort of being married for almost 20 years and it got ripped out from under me, and a little like things are all done for no reason at all. I know it sounds cryptic, but I can't elaborate right now. My brain feels too addled. I thought I had a decent week, with a few good days there toward the end, but I sort of feel like every good thought was for nothing, and My Life will be spent amongst my pets and their expelled hair and my kids' dirty dishes. I'm not ready for that. I know toward the end of my marriage I really wasn't getting out much, but that wasn't my fault. I'm extremely out of practice on how to behave in society now! Today I'm just feeling very old and sad. It isn't a constant, but feeling it at all stinks. It probably doesn't make a lot of sense to say this, but in a riddle-y way I was fine with doing things alone while I had a husband. Now doing things alone makes me feel ALONE.
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I think quite possibly the worst thing is being lonely IN a marriage or relationship. Coming to that realization and overcoming the shock of it also adds definite loneliness even when you kinda want out of it. You reach a level of comfort in any relationship, good or bad. It's just the way it is. Suddenly when the "familiarity" is no longer there, it's hard to swallow. And being with the same person for 20 years only intensifies those feelings. Alone sucks.
ReplyDeleteBut the thing that speaks volumes, and something you won't be able to fully appreciate until you've had more time to go through the roller coaster of emotions that will plague you, is that everything you're feeling is normal and you WILL overcome most, if not all of those things you mention above. It takes time. Lots of it. One day you'll have everything figured out (or feel like you do), and the next it will feel like the world is crashing down around you, but ride the wave and rely on friends and family to help you though it. Ask for help (something that never came easily for me, personally, but was very much appreciated when I did), try to stay busy as much as possible, tap away on this blog...anything to clear your mind. Of course you know all this already but it's good to hear it from others sometimes. During my 3 years of much of the same, my mantra became, "this too shall pass" and just relying on blind faith. Both got me through quite a bit. ~hugs and love.