GOOD GRIEF

I started to write last night but I got sidetracked by the pain and started doing something else, and then suddenly I was exhausted and it was 10 p.m.  But I wrote the title above because it kept running through my head-- "good grief"--and the actual meaning of it.  I know it's just a silly expression, but I'll have to look up the origin.  I'm in two minds about it.  On the one hand, grief is painful and awful and lonely and hopeless, so there's nothing good about it.  But on the other hand, grief is something that gets you past the pain eventually.  I truly hope so, at least.  If I was talking to a friend who lost a loved one I would never in a million years tell them to stop dwelling on the grief and move on, so I don't know why I expect myself to stop dwelling on the death of my marriage and move on already.  But it hurts SO bad, and I am SO lonely, and already tired of all of the feelings related to it and I'm praying for a release all the time. 

I know a lot of it needs to be letting go of the bigger picture and trying to concentrate on small things, but that's never been my strong suit.  I want to know what's going on in all areas so my bigger picture makes sense.  I've driven across the country without knowing what hotel I'm stopping at each night, and even that made me incredibly nervous.  I wanted to get out the atlas every morning and find a reasonably sized town to stop in at the end of the day, which also meant knowing just how long to drive each day.  When navigating unending, winding miles in Montana, driving until I'm tired and stopping for the night just anywhere isn't really my cup of tea.  If I know it's 10 hours to Bozeman and it will be 9 p.m. in 10 hours, I'm fine.  So yeah...I'm not really currently one of those "simple joys on the road less traveled" sorts.  Happiness in the little things is great, and choosing alternate paths is great, but actual JOY in the small things?  I need to get back to that.

I've sort of deviated from my main theme, I guess, of whether or not I'm in the stage of experiencing good grief or just excessive self pity and pain, but I guess I've made a little progress in knowing that this isn't going to be as easy as I thought.  It's going to hurt.  A lot.  To risk sounding extremely melodramatic, there are times when I feel like my heart is actually being sucked out of my chest, and I need to put my hands over my heart to stop it.  If I don't check myself the tears well up in no time and I'm sobbing.  I can lie in bed literally writhing from the pain and the uncertainty. And then I tell myself this can't last forever, and that I'll get over it. It's those unknowns that sneak up and get me freaked out every time.