Only time will tell, but I've got a lot to catch up on. I'm not really sure I'll ever tell the whole story here, but for now we'll just say I'm going to try to get back to a semblence of normalcy, which I'm hoping will be anything but my previous normal. I've tried doing this all along, so I guess the limbo is my normal for an extended period of time. A phrase a few people have used while talking to me lately is "finding a new normal." I've had a few new normals over the past 3 months. In a way I'm amazed that it's only been 3 months, because my clock has ticked so slowly it feels like a year. But seeing that particular thought written makes me a little frightened of what "a year" is actually going to feel like--a lifetime? A decade? Or maybe just 3 months? I can't wait to see what it feels like, though I do hate to wish my life away.
There have been multitudes of angry texts passed between the ex and me. The relationship waxes and wanes and remains so toxic I can't bear to look at his stupid face. I attended my first parental school function. He was alone, and I was surrounded by family. It felt fantastic. He looks awful. I do not (most of the time). I'm pretty sure we'll never reach the point of being "friends," but I know once the paperwork settles and I don't have to deal with him very regularly and have other things to occupy my thoughts, it will get more relaxed. I just think a big part of it is that I'm a dynamic tornado of emotional growth and change and he's hopped from one place to another without a chance to grow or really confront his own internal demons, of which I'm sure he has quite a few.
My heart has broken a few times over, and my faith has deepened. I've actually been complimented on the state of my faith in adversity, which really does amaze me. In fact, the realization that I amaze me sometimes is another thing I'd not have expected 4 months ago. I'm changing and evolving daily, and facing as many little fears or upheavals of routine as possible. Today I can think of things I would never have considered doing 6 months ago and I know I'd jump at the chance to do them now. Unfortunately, I still have no means of support for myself but I'm trying on a daily basis.
My attitudes have changed regarding many things...one of them being relationships. I started out this divorce thinking I would want to be in a "romantic" relationship quickly because it's just "who I am," and "I will need help to heal." Such crap. Well, in truth I did have help to heal, but it wasn't the kind of help I'd initially anticipated. Anyway, I can't blame myself for thinking it after being in a lonely marriage for 19 years, but now the main thing I want is to stand on my own two feet and support myself. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see an independent woman who fought the good fight and came out the victor. And I will...I KNOW I will. I don't know when, but I know it will happen because I feel it in my bones. I know now I do not need a man to make me a whole person emotionally, and I don't want one to make me a whole person. Someday I want one to be the gravy on top of a pile of good-life mashed potatoes, but I don't need one or want one to make me whole. I'm going to do that by myself.
I am freakishly thankful for my family and friends, and have realized I've been blessed with friends who have staying power even though I never had a clue before this happened. My family is amazing and supportive, and I've realized through random comments that I'm actually serving as an inspiration...something else I never would have anticipated a few years ago. Again, that realization feels fantastic and buoyant.
My scars are fresh but healing. My attitude has changed over and over again. I've had bad days and good days. I've had horrendous, disgusting days I never want to revisit, and days so bright and sunny I start to wonder if maybe I'm a little psychotic. But, looking back, even though it's been a tiny blip in time compared to what lies ahead, it's been a more positive experience than even I can believe. The pain is truly gut wrenching while I'm going through it, but at some point my prayer for peace and having my heart turn happens. God's sense of humor never ceases to amaze me...especially when I ask for things and I get them in a totally different way than ever expected, or in extreme. Just yesterday I learned I was granted an answer to a prayer in a way I never could have imagined, and while in the end I'm a little terrified of the ultimate outcome, I know I'll be ok with whatever happens because I have no choice, and because I have faith the things that are supposed to happen eventually will, and they will all be good.
Best post ever!!!!
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