Why do I hate Friday? Have a seat and I'll tell you.
I hate Friday because that's when the rest of the world is excited about getting off work and being able to start their social activities for the weekend. They're planning which restaurant to try, what movies to see, whose house they're hanging out in on Saturday night, what relaxing family activity they're going to participate in on Sunday afternoon, and then insisting on doing nothing at all on Sunday evening so they can go to bed early in order to wake up bright and early on Monday, ready to tackle another work week and do it all over again. For me, Friday is just another lonely day. It isn't anything special. In fact, it truly stinks. It's the end of my potential. I know if my phone didn't ring by Friday with a job interview to schedule, it's not going to happen for at least 3 days. I know if no one has asked me if I want to do something by Friday, it's not going to happen at all, and I'm going to have 2 more days of nothingness ahead of me. No fun family activities, no movies, no hanging out anywhere on Saturday.
I know I said yesterday I'm using this time to heal and make myself whole. I can't deny that it's happening but the silence can be deafening. And I have friends and family who tell me the key to being really happy is doing things alone. Do they not realize I already do? I do them willingly, and often. So tell me then, if I'm ALWAYS alone, how am I supposed to be happy being alone? I spend every single minute of every single day alone, usually staring at the same 4 walls and the same computer screen. Shouldn't I have to be with people sometimes in order to appreciate the time I get to spend alone? I am a person who actually does need an inordinate amount of alone or down time. I always have. I've also always been a little bit of a loner, probably due to being the baby in the family by more than a decade. But let me tell you this--the last 10 years of my marriage have had a lot of alone time. The past 2 years especially, with a husband who spent most of his time at work, leaving for work, staring at his phone, staring at the tv in another room, and generally not being engaged in my life in any way. What I've endured since 2008 hasn't just been alone time, but unwanted practically prison sentence time because of the inherent loneliness of the marriage itself, the lack of money to actually go anywhere or do anything, the lack of both of our ambitions to nurture any couple friendships because of our disconnection and lack of money, etc, etc. I can't help it. I want to be a whole person in my own right, but I am so DAMN sick of being alone, of my phone not ringing or buzzing, of having no social life...and I honestly don't know how to fix it. I hate this town lately. There's so little to do and no way to meet anyone, and probably not even anyone new to meet worth my time!
So yes, while I was bright and sunny yesterday, today I'm feeling bleak because it's Friday--the day I see as the end of my potential life change. It's ok...I'll make it through like I always do. It's just not easy for me when the tiny job I have has 2 weeks off and there's absolutely nothing on the calendar and I can't just fill it up with wandering when gas is over $4 a gallon. That, and yesterday I paid out $1500 to a lawyer who told me I'm too goth looking to be a receptionist, and I seem like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Well, I kinda do right now, thanks. I'm in the middle of a divorce, my finances are a mess, I can't get a job and I don't know why, my social calendar is null and void, my everyday life refuses to change for the better other than being rid of a husband who I did not want anyway, my heart breaks into a thousand pieces every night and I spend the next 24 hours putting it back together even though I know it'll break again the next night, and you just told me I look pale and morose. Let me fix that by flipping this switch over here...
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