BENT AND BREAKING, BUT NOT BROKEN

I feel myself getting brittle.  I'm trying really, really hard to keep my head above it, and I've been told over and over that it will get worse before it gets better.  I know it, and I believe it, but I'm not looking forward to it one bit.

I'm facing the inevitable fact that I'm going to lose my house.  The house he said I could "have" if I paid the bills.  Funny.  The house I wanted to fix up and stay in until my knees refuse to let me climb the stairs anymore.  The house my kids call home.  The house I came to curse a few years ago when everything started falling apart and no one was able to afford to fix it up, either monetarily or emotionally.  But I told him one time his apathy of the house was a metaphor for how he felt about me.  He walked away from everything, thinking all he had to do was make the decision and his responsibilities evaporated in a puff of smoke.  Now there's no way, even with child support and a little spousal maintenance, that I will be able to pay for the house and the utilities, and everything else I need, like a car, gas, groceries, pet food, etc.  I will have to move out of the house I want and he doesn't.  I will have to give away my pets that I took in, promising to love them and provide homes for them for the rest of their lives.  This breaks my heart, and hurts even more than losing any house, because everyone knows I am an unfailing animal lover, and I keep my promises.  I can't imagine life without them.  But everything else about my life has been turned upside down and shaken violently, so why should this one thing be sacred?

I will have to declare bankruptcy.  My please-oh-please-soon-to-be ex has taken everything from me, from a secure future to a good credit score.  I don't even care about the future I once thought I had.  I've gladly kicked that dream out and I want to insert a new one.  It's not having a real job and apparently not having any real marketable skills or luck that kills me right now...but nothing more than the thought of losing my furry friends. 

And through all of this, he can take my financial security.  He can take my house.  He can essentially take my pets.  He can take my sense of self worth.  He can take my identity.  But he can't take my SPIRIT, and he can't take my FAITH or my HOPE.