My brother hugged me today. I'm pretty sure it was the first time in my adult life, and I'm not sure if it was that or because I haven't been hugged by a man in a long time (don't be gross, he's my brother!), or because I was very upset at the time, but it was really nice. Part of it was that he was wearing a fuzzy blue fleece half-zip shirt and it was nice and warm on my face. I know it sounds silly, but these really are things I think about!
I won't go into all the issues behind what was upsetting me so much. I felt them, I processed them, and while they won't be gone any time soon, I'm ready to file them away for future use, or gloating, whichever comes first.
So I'm going to focus on some realizations I've had recently.
1. Boy, have I spent the last 20 years suppressing my true self. There are a couple of things I can point toward for when and why. I used to be a lot more daring and more...hmm...open? Free? Unsuppressed? I can point to one instance that started it. My art school had screenless windows and I can remember always leaning out the window trying to touch various shiny rocks stuck in the side of the building. I kind of pushed it a little more than I should have done, and one day I leaned out really far to try to touch a particularly appealing rock. I lost my balance and nearly fell out the window but managed to catch myself. I remember pulling myself back into the room, thinking, "Wow, I am NEVER doing that again." I can't remember who, but someone had seen what happened and was mirroring the big-eyed look on my face. So there was the first time I reeled in my spirit. Then once I had my son I remember driving around with him in the back in the rear-facing carseat, thinking just how vulnerable he is, and it made me feel like the responsibility was all too much and I had to reign everything in completely. The process was gradual from the time I nearly fell out the window, to when I met my secure, sensible, quiet husband to be, but I totally lost all my drive and LIFE during that time. It's not all his fault, though I will attribute some of it to him. Everyone thought he was so reserved, and I always had to agree. I can't count how many times my friends said they wondered why we were together because we're such opposites. Guess they were onto something. So yeah. I need to get back to the secret me who used to only inhabit me during the time my husband was at work, and make her the real me again. Because he ain't comin' home now and I don't mind!
2. During today's altercation, I was actually a little surprised at the ballsiness of his texts. Where was this guy who didn't know he could stand up for himself all these years? I never wanted a peacekeeper. I wanted real emotion and real thoughts and feelings no matter what. I know he's said to me in the past that I shot him down and belittled him (if a store was out of something I wanted and he couldn't get it, my expression of frustration toward the store was "belittling" to him, somehow. Or if I made a statement about the bed being made crooked, or something wasn't the way I'd hoped for--It was all misunderstood since he didn't ever want to express himself in any way), but you know what? Freakin' stand up for yourself! And what he thought was belittling was just me venting out whatever the frustration was and getting over it. I'm not like him, never was, and never will be. I don't suppress every feeling until I can't stand it anymore. I get it out. All I ever wanted from anyone was the ability to share emotions and if there was something to say, all he had to do was say it. I've never, ever told anyone not to say what they think. So at least maybe now he'll be able to say what he thinks whether I like it or not. I probably won't, but he'll find out that's ok.
3. Also regarding the altercation today, maybe a little bit, just a little, is because he's realized unequivocably that I do not want him back. In the beginning I used to text him, saying I was so sad and so broken and had a weight crushing my chest nightly, etc. But I stopped. And I felt better when I stopped. The reason I stopped was because one night I told him how painful the loneliness was, and how I felt so hopeless and destroyed, and didn't he ever feel it? He said he knew it was difficult and that this was going to be hard on both of us, but he couldn't give me his heart because it wasn't his to give. A huge lightbulb shot on above my head and I realized he thought I was saying these things because I wanted him back. I sat up straight and texted, "I DO NOT WANT YOUR HEART. I DO NOT WANT YOU BACK. I'M NOT ASKING FOR YOUR HEART. I'M TELLING YOU HOW I FEEL." And that was that. So maybe he's angry that I'm fine without him? Angry, but essentially fine.
4. This one has nothing much to do with anything other than realizing there are things in this world that make me feel good, and I wish I knew a way to turn them into a paying job. The other day at the clinic I noticed a woman was coughing in one of the rooms so I took her a glass of water and some tissues, and a couple of mints. It was nothing, really, but what I thought would be nice. She appreciated it, and I appreciated the feeling of helping someone again. Fast forward a week to an elderly woman at the end of our pew at church today. The time came to "shake hands and offer a sign of our peace" (I always just want to flash a peace sign) and she sat still, not reaching for anyone. I kissed E on the cheek and then turned to the woman. She almost looked confused, then realized I was going to shake her hand. I can't even explain it. She looked sullen at first, but when she smiled at me, I felt like I'd done some fabulous deed, but all I was doing was shaking her hand and saying, "Peace be with you." It felt extremely important for some reason, and I immediately thought of how great it would be to make people smile like that every day. If I could get paid for walking around shaking hands, saying, "Peace be with you," I'd do it 24/7!!!
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