I'm in a patch of sun the last few days. The sky is cloudy so I know it won't last, but the moment of sun is all that matters. I'm not feeling the crushing weight descend upon me every evening quite as much as I did. I get scared moments, but I try to push them aside. I don't know how long it will last, and I'm sure it will keep cycling for a while, but I suppose the thing to be learned is to enjoy the better days when they're here. I'd like to be able to seize the day instead of freezing up with fear of tomorrow, but I think that is probably a long way, and a secure job with a future, away. Which is another reason why I think I'm "ok" right now--I've been in limbo so long that the limbo has gotten comfortable.
I told him again to go file. I'm not sure what's taking him so long, but I've said before that I have a "rip off the Band-Aid" philosophy to life and its troubles, so stop picking the edges and rip it already! That was actually something we always butted heads over our entire marriage. I jump in the water and feel around, making calculations and reconfiguring my course once I'm in there. He always wanted to sit back, observe the waters, send a sample off for testing first, and wait so long before making a decision that the tide went out and it was too late. I'm not saying I didn't write up a PRO and CON list or agonize over some details because I definitely did and do (should be obvious by now!), but I think quick, instinctual decisions can be good.
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