A MASH UP OF THOUGHTS

I can't decide if I don't write when I'm really working through something and I recap after, or if I end up writing to work myself through something?  Either way, I usually feel a little better for it, so I'm hoping that means writing is the end of whatever has been scratching at me lately.

It's been a rough crossing these last few weeks.  A mess, really.  The provisional hearing in court was disastrous.  I'm not cut out for such things, and I went into it thinking everything was going to be fine. I actually ended up without my kids more and losing much-needed monies.  Because my lawyer had me so flustered and frustrated and angry with her, I didn't realize I was agreeing to $75 a week less. Just thinking about these things now gets me worked up, and makes me think I'm going to have to develop some sort of code word to calm down and stop thinking about it.  It's really the visitation stuff that irritates me the most though.  He gets to be super great fun happy dad and I'm mean old mom enforcing the rules at home.

And mom tends to cry a lot the last few weeks, so she's really no fun to be around.  I am beaten by the underemployment and financial strain.  Exhausted and beaten by it.  It's almost as suffocating as the loneliness can be.  I realize I'm a victim of my own making and it must be so evident even people reading my resume can tell.  The paper stored in my house reeks of my desperation!  Ok, that's a load of melodrama, I know, but at least I can still laugh.  I've called and made an appointment to see someone about all my problems.  In no way did Lady Lawyer Pants McMeanie (whom I am hoping to release soon as I drum up the courage to speak to her again) inspire the phone call.  It was a great combination of things, from actually talking to the person I wanted to see down to so many days feeling like I'm just about to cry at any point in time.  Praying for my negative feelings to just go away doesn't seem to be working anymore.  The next reason is that I must be alienating friends I don't normally see in person but rely on for support.  I'm a little disappointed that during a time when I feel like I need them the most I'm being shut out for one reason or another, which is just reenforcing the fact that I really can't depend on anyone, no matter who they are.  I realize I'm no fun--I do--but my resources, time, attention span, energy, and focus are tremendously impaired right now.  My victimization detox is going to take a little longer than originally deemed necessary.  I hope this therapist has a super concentrated version of something that will fix me.

I've officially been welcomed onto the roller derby team.  I don't understand all the rules and I'm not really completely comfortable on my skates yet, but everyone points out how far I've come in a short time, and I think it's true.  I wanted to do something I thought I could never do, and I have.  I love it so far. It's the one really good, positive thing I have right now. I think what I like most about it, besides the social aspect (which, despite some of the stories I could tell, is so much less depraved than it sounds), is that the time at practice makes me stop thinking about all the outside strains affecting me and I concentrate on just a few things:  Stay in skater stance, breathe, and push past the pain. I admit to being terrified of being in a bout, but after watching on Saturday I'm pretty sure I will feel able sometime in the next few months.  We all know my magical month for many things is August, so hopefully I will be able to join in the bout then.  It's what I'm shooting for.  I will say that during the practice last night when rookies were being taught to take hits, I LOVED falling so much I laughed every time someone knocked me down.  I hate it when it's my fault, but I wish I could think of a name that would go with laughing at being knocked over.  I count 23 bruises on my legs, arms, and hips, and  I earned them all.  They'll heal in no time.  It's the psychological and financial bruises I can't seem to make go away quickly enough.