ROMANCE IS DEAD

I still want what I said I wanted a while back--I want to want no man, and to rely on myself  .I've realized recently I really can't depend on anyone else for anything anymore.  It's  just not working for me.  The only person I can depend on is myself, and even I let me down by incessantly making poor choices in nearly everything.  But even in the midst of all the realizing that the world doesn't owe me a thing and I'm going to have to get over thinking I deserve ANYTHING, here's something else that smacked me in the face:  I'm kinda going to miss the potential for romance.  It hasn't happened for I don't know how long--at least 10 years?--but I thought I had the potential for it occasionally.  I know it was really stupid, but having a husband meant maybe he might possibly be nice sometime and surprise me with flowers or buy me a gift that I didn't pick out myself.  Maybe?  Ok, not MY ex husband, but I guess I thought maybe in the distant future he might turn into someone else who actually wanted to be thoughtful toward me again, before he was an ex, of course.  I stumbled upon this thought our of nowhere while doing something totally domestic, and I had a few moments of feeling sorry for myself, including a few crocodile tears over my own future loss.  To tell the truth, I've always felt like "romance" was dumb.  It didn't exist for me, or was just something to watch in movies and smile about or imagine, but it really wouldn't actually happen for me.  Thinking that has never meant I didn't want it, but I just have never had it come from the right person.  I would LOVE to be totally surprised and speechless by a romantic gesture.  Being pragmatic makes me think I might possibly miss it or think it goofy if it did happen, but I can think of a few things I would really like that would be seen as truly romantic, were they something produced by a person I was seriously interested in.  But I also know they're fantasy, and they, both romance and a man to be interested in, aren't in the plan for me right now, which does make me feel just a little sad.  It shouldn't, because deep down I know I don't need it or really want it at this time, but that doesn't stop me from missing the thought that it was potentially available.  I suppose this is the cross to be bourne by a hopeless romantic trying to become a creature of self sufficiency and reliance.  A part of me is always going to wish on that silly star.