Friday, May 27, 2011
ROMANCE IS DEAD
I still want what I said I wanted a while back--I want to want no man, and to rely on myself .I've realized recently I really can't depend on anyone else for anything anymore. It's just not working for me. The only person I can depend on is myself, and even I let me down by incessantly making poor choices in nearly everything. But even in the midst of all the realizing that the world doesn't owe me a thing and I'm going to have to get over thinking I deserve ANYTHING, here's something else that smacked me in the face: I'm kinda going to miss the potential for romance. It hasn't happened for I don't know how long--at least 10 years?--but I thought I had the potential for it occasionally. I know it was really stupid, but having a husband meant maybe he might possibly be nice sometime and surprise me with flowers or buy me a gift that I didn't pick out myself. Maybe? Ok, not MY ex husband, but I guess I thought maybe in the distant future he might turn into someone else who actually wanted to be thoughtful toward me again, before he was an ex, of course. I stumbled upon this thought our of nowhere while doing something totally domestic, and I had a few moments of feeling sorry for myself, including a few crocodile tears over my own future loss. To tell the truth, I've always felt like "romance" was dumb. It didn't exist for me, or was just something to watch in movies and smile about or imagine, but it really wouldn't actually happen for me. Thinking that has never meant I didn't want it, but I just have never had it come from the right person. I would LOVE to be totally surprised and speechless by a romantic gesture. Being pragmatic makes me think I might possibly miss it or think it goofy if it did happen, but I can think of a few things I would really like that would be seen as truly romantic, were they something produced by a person I was seriously interested in. But I also know they're fantasy, and they, both romance and a man to be interested in, aren't in the plan for me right now, which does make me feel just a little sad. It shouldn't, because deep down I know I don't need it or really want it at this time, but that doesn't stop me from missing the thought that it was potentially available. I suppose this is the cross to be bourne by a hopeless romantic trying to become a creature of self sufficiency and reliance. A part of me is always going to wish on that silly star.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
ME AND MY METAPHORS
It's obvious, since I write a blog entry every now and again, that I have to write, and I have to convey how I feel about things. I have been told I have a "colorful way of putting things" by countless people. I can pin a description on something in a unique way, such as when I said the landfill smelled like a thousand decaying dirty diapers covered with a million bloated, rotting racoon carcuses. You understand that nose-hair stinging stench immediately, no? That really has nothiing to do with what I'm going to talk about, but I thought it would be fun to share the stench story.
I have been practicing with a roller derby team. Here's the caveat: I can't skate. I never have skated much, even as a kid, because I didn't live in a place where skating was possible--gravel driveways and roads are not conducive to learning--and I quite possibly may have skated only 5 or 6 times during parties while growing up. Inexperience and inability aside, it's something I really want to do. I want to be able to fly around that rink like my niece, sure footed and determined, and plow my way through a tightly formed cluster of muscle-bound skaters who know what they're doing. Or I'd like to be one of the group of muscle-bound skaters giving full effort to keeping out that one star-helmeted jammer. I may be mousy now, but once I get my footing, you better believe I'm willing to knock her down! So here's the thing: I can use this skating thing to describe my life in a few ways. Firstly, I don't know what I'm doing trying to learn to skate at 40, and I'm finding myself unbalanced and on shaky ground. Just like the rest of my life. I don't have a clue what I'm doing or how to stay upright. The only thing I can do is fall down repeatedly, take a breath, and get right back up again. I will LEARN how to balance and stay upright. I know I will fall down again, but if I learn the right way to fall, it won't hurt quite so badly the next time. And as my good friend put it the other night, every time I fall down and get back up again I'll be a little stronger. I can get up without holding onto anything...I have from the start. I know it won't always be that way, and that occasionally I will need to grab onto something and pull myself back up to a standing position, but for the most part I'm going to do this a little bit at a time, on my own, surrounded by people who want to see me succeed, even if it takes a long time and my usual unconventional ways.
Another metaphor I've been musing on lately is the cold and impersonal world of texting. I suppose it's not REALLY, but occasionally I find it difficult to remember that a separate human being exists at the other end of the incoming text. I've been calling it "the phantom friend I hold in my hand" for a few days now. It's just words on a screen. It isn't "real." I think it's stemming from my need for actual, real-life, human communication and socialization, of which it is no secret I am sorely lacking, as has been repeatedly discussed in this blog. I am truly missing having friends in front of me. It's no secret I have avoided social events and have been reluctant to attend things in the past because I was just "not in the mood" to talk or extend social graces, which I also believe I am lacking. Part of it is my upbringing, having parents who were both happy to not socialize. Part of it is my own need for peace and quiet. But lately I am just craving personal interaction but after 20 years of not wanting or having it, it's downright DIFFICULT to find people I actually want to know better and want to spend a lot of time with without feeling like a clingy monster. So the phantom friend in my hand remains my main source of entertainment, socialization, and communication. And frankly, he/she sucks at it sometimes. I know I don't have as many friends in it as I will someday or even as I need right now, but please tell me how it can be that every single friend sometimes falls silent and noncommunicative at the same time?!
The skates are calling from the garage, saying it's time to roll with it while I try desperately to strengthen my backbone and remain steady, fall small and safe, and pop right back up to try again. I'll remember that even after the glorious moment I get to take them off.
I have been practicing with a roller derby team. Here's the caveat: I can't skate. I never have skated much, even as a kid, because I didn't live in a place where skating was possible--gravel driveways and roads are not conducive to learning--and I quite possibly may have skated only 5 or 6 times during parties while growing up. Inexperience and inability aside, it's something I really want to do. I want to be able to fly around that rink like my niece, sure footed and determined, and plow my way through a tightly formed cluster of muscle-bound skaters who know what they're doing. Or I'd like to be one of the group of muscle-bound skaters giving full effort to keeping out that one star-helmeted jammer. I may be mousy now, but once I get my footing, you better believe I'm willing to knock her down! So here's the thing: I can use this skating thing to describe my life in a few ways. Firstly, I don't know what I'm doing trying to learn to skate at 40, and I'm finding myself unbalanced and on shaky ground. Just like the rest of my life. I don't have a clue what I'm doing or how to stay upright. The only thing I can do is fall down repeatedly, take a breath, and get right back up again. I will LEARN how to balance and stay upright. I know I will fall down again, but if I learn the right way to fall, it won't hurt quite so badly the next time. And as my good friend put it the other night, every time I fall down and get back up again I'll be a little stronger. I can get up without holding onto anything...I have from the start. I know it won't always be that way, and that occasionally I will need to grab onto something and pull myself back up to a standing position, but for the most part I'm going to do this a little bit at a time, on my own, surrounded by people who want to see me succeed, even if it takes a long time and my usual unconventional ways.
Another metaphor I've been musing on lately is the cold and impersonal world of texting. I suppose it's not REALLY, but occasionally I find it difficult to remember that a separate human being exists at the other end of the incoming text. I've been calling it "the phantom friend I hold in my hand" for a few days now. It's just words on a screen. It isn't "real." I think it's stemming from my need for actual, real-life, human communication and socialization, of which it is no secret I am sorely lacking, as has been repeatedly discussed in this blog. I am truly missing having friends in front of me. It's no secret I have avoided social events and have been reluctant to attend things in the past because I was just "not in the mood" to talk or extend social graces, which I also believe I am lacking. Part of it is my upbringing, having parents who were both happy to not socialize. Part of it is my own need for peace and quiet. But lately I am just craving personal interaction but after 20 years of not wanting or having it, it's downright DIFFICULT to find people I actually want to know better and want to spend a lot of time with without feeling like a clingy monster. So the phantom friend in my hand remains my main source of entertainment, socialization, and communication. And frankly, he/she sucks at it sometimes. I know I don't have as many friends in it as I will someday or even as I need right now, but please tell me how it can be that every single friend sometimes falls silent and noncommunicative at the same time?!
The skates are calling from the garage, saying it's time to roll with it while I try desperately to strengthen my backbone and remain steady, fall small and safe, and pop right back up to try again. I'll remember that even after the glorious moment I get to take them off.
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