Why do I hate Friday? Have a seat and I'll tell you.
I hate Friday because that's when the rest of the world is excited about getting off work and being able to start their social activities for the weekend. They're planning which restaurant to try, what movies to see, whose house they're hanging out in on Saturday night, what relaxing family activity they're going to participate in on Sunday afternoon, and then insisting on doing nothing at all on Sunday evening so they can go to bed early in order to wake up bright and early on Monday, ready to tackle another work week and do it all over again. For me, Friday is just another lonely day. It isn't anything special. In fact, it truly stinks. It's the end of my potential. I know if my phone didn't ring by Friday with a job interview to schedule, it's not going to happen for at least 3 days. I know if no one has asked me if I want to do something by Friday, it's not going to happen at all, and I'm going to have 2 more days of nothingness ahead of me. No fun family activities, no movies, no hanging out anywhere on Saturday.
I know I said yesterday I'm using this time to heal and make myself whole. I can't deny that it's happening but the silence can be deafening. And I have friends and family who tell me the key to being really happy is doing things alone. Do they not realize I already do? I do them willingly, and often. So tell me then, if I'm ALWAYS alone, how am I supposed to be happy being alone? I spend every single minute of every single day alone, usually staring at the same 4 walls and the same computer screen. Shouldn't I have to be with people sometimes in order to appreciate the time I get to spend alone? I am a person who actually does need an inordinate amount of alone or down time. I always have. I've also always been a little bit of a loner, probably due to being the baby in the family by more than a decade. But let me tell you this--the last 10 years of my marriage have had a lot of alone time. The past 2 years especially, with a husband who spent most of his time at work, leaving for work, staring at his phone, staring at the tv in another room, and generally not being engaged in my life in any way. What I've endured since 2008 hasn't just been alone time, but unwanted practically prison sentence time because of the inherent loneliness of the marriage itself, the lack of money to actually go anywhere or do anything, the lack of both of our ambitions to nurture any couple friendships because of our disconnection and lack of money, etc, etc. I can't help it. I want to be a whole person in my own right, but I am so DAMN sick of being alone, of my phone not ringing or buzzing, of having no social life...and I honestly don't know how to fix it. I hate this town lately. There's so little to do and no way to meet anyone, and probably not even anyone new to meet worth my time!
So yes, while I was bright and sunny yesterday, today I'm feeling bleak because it's Friday--the day I see as the end of my potential life change. It's ok...I'll make it through like I always do. It's just not easy for me when the tiny job I have has 2 weeks off and there's absolutely nothing on the calendar and I can't just fill it up with wandering when gas is over $4 a gallon. That, and yesterday I paid out $1500 to a lawyer who told me I'm too goth looking to be a receptionist, and I seem like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Well, I kinda do right now, thanks. I'm in the middle of a divorce, my finances are a mess, I can't get a job and I don't know why, my social calendar is null and void, my everyday life refuses to change for the better other than being rid of a husband who I did not want anyway, my heart breaks into a thousand pieces every night and I spend the next 24 hours putting it back together even though I know it'll break again the next night, and you just told me I look pale and morose. Let me fix that by flipping this switch over here...
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
WHO IS THIS PERSON?! WE MAY NEVER KNOW FOR SURE!
Only time will tell, but I've got a lot to catch up on. I'm not really sure I'll ever tell the whole story here, but for now we'll just say I'm going to try to get back to a semblence of normalcy, which I'm hoping will be anything but my previous normal. I've tried doing this all along, so I guess the limbo is my normal for an extended period of time. A phrase a few people have used while talking to me lately is "finding a new normal." I've had a few new normals over the past 3 months. In a way I'm amazed that it's only been 3 months, because my clock has ticked so slowly it feels like a year. But seeing that particular thought written makes me a little frightened of what "a year" is actually going to feel like--a lifetime? A decade? Or maybe just 3 months? I can't wait to see what it feels like, though I do hate to wish my life away.
There have been multitudes of angry texts passed between the ex and me. The relationship waxes and wanes and remains so toxic I can't bear to look at his stupid face. I attended my first parental school function. He was alone, and I was surrounded by family. It felt fantastic. He looks awful. I do not (most of the time). I'm pretty sure we'll never reach the point of being "friends," but I know once the paperwork settles and I don't have to deal with him very regularly and have other things to occupy my thoughts, it will get more relaxed. I just think a big part of it is that I'm a dynamic tornado of emotional growth and change and he's hopped from one place to another without a chance to grow or really confront his own internal demons, of which I'm sure he has quite a few.
My heart has broken a few times over, and my faith has deepened. I've actually been complimented on the state of my faith in adversity, which really does amaze me. In fact, the realization that I amaze me sometimes is another thing I'd not have expected 4 months ago. I'm changing and evolving daily, and facing as many little fears or upheavals of routine as possible. Today I can think of things I would never have considered doing 6 months ago and I know I'd jump at the chance to do them now. Unfortunately, I still have no means of support for myself but I'm trying on a daily basis.
My attitudes have changed regarding many things...one of them being relationships. I started out this divorce thinking I would want to be in a "romantic" relationship quickly because it's just "who I am," and "I will need help to heal." Such crap. Well, in truth I did have help to heal, but it wasn't the kind of help I'd initially anticipated. Anyway, I can't blame myself for thinking it after being in a lonely marriage for 19 years, but now the main thing I want is to stand on my own two feet and support myself. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see an independent woman who fought the good fight and came out the victor. And I will...I KNOW I will. I don't know when, but I know it will happen because I feel it in my bones. I know now I do not need a man to make me a whole person emotionally, and I don't want one to make me a whole person. Someday I want one to be the gravy on top of a pile of good-life mashed potatoes, but I don't need one or want one to make me whole. I'm going to do that by myself.
I am freakishly thankful for my family and friends, and have realized I've been blessed with friends who have staying power even though I never had a clue before this happened. My family is amazing and supportive, and I've realized through random comments that I'm actually serving as an inspiration...something else I never would have anticipated a few years ago. Again, that realization feels fantastic and buoyant.
My scars are fresh but healing. My attitude has changed over and over again. I've had bad days and good days. I've had horrendous, disgusting days I never want to revisit, and days so bright and sunny I start to wonder if maybe I'm a little psychotic. But, looking back, even though it's been a tiny blip in time compared to what lies ahead, it's been a more positive experience than even I can believe. The pain is truly gut wrenching while I'm going through it, but at some point my prayer for peace and having my heart turn happens. God's sense of humor never ceases to amaze me...especially when I ask for things and I get them in a totally different way than ever expected, or in extreme. Just yesterday I learned I was granted an answer to a prayer in a way I never could have imagined, and while in the end I'm a little terrified of the ultimate outcome, I know I'll be ok with whatever happens because I have no choice, and because I have faith the things that are supposed to happen eventually will, and they will all be good.
There have been multitudes of angry texts passed between the ex and me. The relationship waxes and wanes and remains so toxic I can't bear to look at his stupid face. I attended my first parental school function. He was alone, and I was surrounded by family. It felt fantastic. He looks awful. I do not (most of the time). I'm pretty sure we'll never reach the point of being "friends," but I know once the paperwork settles and I don't have to deal with him very regularly and have other things to occupy my thoughts, it will get more relaxed. I just think a big part of it is that I'm a dynamic tornado of emotional growth and change and he's hopped from one place to another without a chance to grow or really confront his own internal demons, of which I'm sure he has quite a few.
My heart has broken a few times over, and my faith has deepened. I've actually been complimented on the state of my faith in adversity, which really does amaze me. In fact, the realization that I amaze me sometimes is another thing I'd not have expected 4 months ago. I'm changing and evolving daily, and facing as many little fears or upheavals of routine as possible. Today I can think of things I would never have considered doing 6 months ago and I know I'd jump at the chance to do them now. Unfortunately, I still have no means of support for myself but I'm trying on a daily basis.
My attitudes have changed regarding many things...one of them being relationships. I started out this divorce thinking I would want to be in a "romantic" relationship quickly because it's just "who I am," and "I will need help to heal." Such crap. Well, in truth I did have help to heal, but it wasn't the kind of help I'd initially anticipated. Anyway, I can't blame myself for thinking it after being in a lonely marriage for 19 years, but now the main thing I want is to stand on my own two feet and support myself. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see an independent woman who fought the good fight and came out the victor. And I will...I KNOW I will. I don't know when, but I know it will happen because I feel it in my bones. I know now I do not need a man to make me a whole person emotionally, and I don't want one to make me a whole person. Someday I want one to be the gravy on top of a pile of good-life mashed potatoes, but I don't need one or want one to make me whole. I'm going to do that by myself.
I am freakishly thankful for my family and friends, and have realized I've been blessed with friends who have staying power even though I never had a clue before this happened. My family is amazing and supportive, and I've realized through random comments that I'm actually serving as an inspiration...something else I never would have anticipated a few years ago. Again, that realization feels fantastic and buoyant.
My scars are fresh but healing. My attitude has changed over and over again. I've had bad days and good days. I've had horrendous, disgusting days I never want to revisit, and days so bright and sunny I start to wonder if maybe I'm a little psychotic. But, looking back, even though it's been a tiny blip in time compared to what lies ahead, it's been a more positive experience than even I can believe. The pain is truly gut wrenching while I'm going through it, but at some point my prayer for peace and having my heart turn happens. God's sense of humor never ceases to amaze me...especially when I ask for things and I get them in a totally different way than ever expected, or in extreme. Just yesterday I learned I was granted an answer to a prayer in a way I never could have imagined, and while in the end I'm a little terrified of the ultimate outcome, I know I'll be ok with whatever happens because I have no choice, and because I have faith the things that are supposed to happen eventually will, and they will all be good.
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